Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
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A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Put my back out twerking in the library again
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.