Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

🙂🐾

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

CUTE CAT‼︎

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok