Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
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Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Ok cat haters, explain this…
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
The First Farmer
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”