Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself