Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
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My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
sounds kinky. i’m in.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL