Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

😆this is so true

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?