Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.