Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

Sex so good you see dead people.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.