Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!

Me: Christine divorced me

Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!

Me: He stole Christine

Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!

Me: They took the dog

Fb: I KNOW

Me: Why are you doing this

Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

Ummm 😳

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Noah

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.