Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it