her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
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Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay