Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

Is….Is this an option?

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good