her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
![]()
You Might Also Like
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.