her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
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Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.