Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

husband: help me choose a baby name.

me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?

Always a housemaid, never a house.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job