Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Rude much 😂😂😂
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.