Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
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My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Trying
