Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

Squirrels before girls.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

yes, those are my real potatoes.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

every olympics i turn into this guy

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext