Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?