Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
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tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
