Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
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Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes