Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
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The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.