Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.