Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

shampoo implies shampee

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

is frankincense just very honest incense?

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so