Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

Buck naked

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.