Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.