Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid