Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there