Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

john wicks are toilet candles

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I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.