her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
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I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Accurate
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves