Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.