Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?