Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

Autocorrect completely socks

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?