Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

Love is always patient and kind.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed