Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions