Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

A Match(.com), but for socks.

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.