Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.


Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying


As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.


Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.


*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u


My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.


[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec


Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a really nice house to be miserable in.


How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do