Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.