Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
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Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Human are so complicated
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority