Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

At least he brought enough for everyone

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

I got bills

They’re multiplying

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.