My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
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[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.