Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
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Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Thank you 🥹
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.