Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

I just tested negative for patience.

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

The human personality is made of five key elements

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt