Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.