Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

This was a bad idea all around

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree