Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.