her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
You Might Also Like
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients