Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Doggies just call it style.

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.