Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

Best mom ever 😂

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol