her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Friday night party time 🥳
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Day 2 of my diet
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.