Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

Do not go gentle into that good night,

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.