HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
You Might Also Like
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds