Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

the three branches of government

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

They’re called werewolves.

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.