HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
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OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”