HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
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Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.