HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
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“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk