Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….