Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

john wicks are toilet candles

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species