Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
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I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Help
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
no their not
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me when I hear gossip
