Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.


On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump


Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps


Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.


Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.


Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?


You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it


All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.


Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside