@ClichedOut

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

You Might Also Like

@CHofferCBus

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

@Nahdude83

A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.

@PrisonCookies

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

@RealBobMortimer

FOR SALE: Circular metal shield with metal handle… possibly Roman??..(chanced across it on top of my dustbin) £8.00

@Reverend_Scott

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

@SardonicTart

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

@iamspacegirl

Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I’m sad? How do you always know when I need you?

Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse.

Me: I love you too

@stevevsninjas

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

@Proxic0n

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS