Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Dammit Chief not again
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
A man of commitment.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”