Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Her: hear that?
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside