Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Batman v Dracula
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?