Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

logging onto twitter…

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous