Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
is this a warning or an offer?
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold