Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.