Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
🤝
