Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
welp
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.