Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by