Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

wtf is a larm clock?

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

gender is a sprctrum

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

grandpa was shocked

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.