Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

Bread puns are on the rise!

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.