Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

If you are reading this then you are reading this

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

🙋‍♀️

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now