HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
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Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
2023 was just a warmup
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.