Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.