HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
You Might Also Like
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.