HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
You Might Also Like
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
This why you should mind your business
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.