Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
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The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.