Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
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Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.