Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

😂😂

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

ㅤ

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

Sending in my taxes

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.