Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.