Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.