Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
You Might Also Like
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.