Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
You Might Also Like
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!