Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.