Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
You Might Also Like
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Clients after you give them your rates
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart