Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

the prophecy has been fulfilled

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

What do you hear?

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

When I face a minor setback

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?