Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus