Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

All generalizations are stupid.

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]