Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.


Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

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I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.


[police sketch artist interrupts me again] ok now you’re definitely describing sonic the hedgehog


Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?


*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*


Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.


Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.


You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she’s probably not into you.


I’ve noticed a decline in cashier’s asking “Find everything you need?”


ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise


Bald eagles fly at such high elevations to hide their baldness from other, meaner birds. Millennia of adaptive evolution at work.