Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
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Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Cannot stop laughing at this
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.