Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

Good advice.

My birthstone is kidney

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

The opposite of goth is stopth.

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence